How to Fool the Captain
by AndroidEvian
Summary: Renji takes on a gutsy dare to make some quick cash, and finds out more about the victim of the trick than he expected.


Renji sat in the zen gardens of Soul Society beside Ichigo. The two were quietly conversing with their Zanpakutou, but it would seem the swords were more interested in each other than their masters. Renji rested his cheek in his hand. He sighed with disapproval for his weapon.

"Baka. You won't learn anything from that savage Hollow, Zangetsu."

"W-What did you say about Zangetsu!?" Ichigo reached forward and grabbed his friend by the collar.

"Relax, hothead. I figured I'd break the silence since our swords don't want to speak with us. But if you want to defend a Hollow... well, that's just fine. Hollow Lives Matter, am I right?" Ichigo released the lieutenant with blushing cheeks and a huff.

"He's just battle hungry. And I'm _part_ Hollow, bastard."

"Yeah, but Zabimaru is dumb as rocks... doesn't know when to quit."

"At least you're not stuck with this good for nothing bum!" a sudden voice called out. Madarame Ikkaku approached from up the small hill, Houzukimaru in hand. "I have to spend time turning him in circles like a ballerina to wake him up!" He demonstrated, making half hearted circles in the air.

"Ah, like that time you were fighting that one Arrancar, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, it took forever. I swear he wants me to be tired so he can slack off while in full attack."

"What are you three loitering for?" Another stranger made his voice heard, but it wasn't friendly. "Complaining as well? How disgraceful."

"B-Byaku-YA!" Ichigo's voice choked on the last syllable as Renji and Ikkaku elbowed him in the gut.

"He meant Kuchiki Taicho!" Madarame said quickly.

"Yeah, that's right! We're respectful!" Abarai added. The 6th captain gave a hmph of indignation and strutted past.

"You're lucky to be under my favourite cherry blossom tree right now." When he was well out of site, the three picked up conversation again.

"Damn it. What does that treehugging, emotionally constipated, high n mighty prettyboy got against everyone?" Renji scoffed.

"He just doesn't want to be close to anyone, especially not with his image." Ikkaku said sympathetically "His wife died, and Rukia looks so much like her, she's probably a reminder to keep his guard up everyday."

"A-Ah, fair enough. But man, I'd like to do something to ruffle his panties..." Ichigo agreed, trying to intervene for Rukia in her absence, swinging Zangetsu around like a fanblade in the balmy breeze above his friends's heads. _How to ruffle his panties..._ The substitue Shinigami thought boredly. _Panties... that's it!_

"Renji! Ikkaku!" The red pineapple head and the shaved man looked up. "I know what to do!" Ichigo whispered his plans to the group, every detail and explanation as to why it would work.

"I am damn well impressed, Kurosaki-san." Renji mused, throwing his hands behind his head. "THAT'S THE NEAR GAYEST SHIT I'VE EVER HEARD! You think I could do it!?" Renji pointed his fingers sharply at Ichigo, a shakkahou already formed at the tip, and the carrot top shook his head no to avoid waking a war before the plan even fell into place, much worse, under Byakuya's favourite tree.

"Well, you are the most beautiful, Abarai." the melodic voice only led to one man. "Except for me, that is. Ayasegawa Yumichika!" with a fabulous hair flip, he made his presence known to the group and sat down in front of them. The three had a million questions for him.

"How long have you been standing there?!"

"Will you tell His Highness?"

"Why won't you do it yourself then if you're so beautiful!?"

"Bombarding someone with angry questions... how ugly. My answers are 'The whole time,' 'Not if you act on it,' and 'Because a man as naturally beautiful as myself doesn't need anything like makeup or kimonos to impress the eyes of the 6th captain."

"YOU CALLIN ME NATURALLY UGLY, YOU PETITE DRAG QUEEN, ANDROGYNOUS, QUEER ACTING, CURVE LOVING, GENDER CONFUSED, U-TURN HEAD?" Renji yelled, being held down by Ichigo and Madarame to keep him from adding more than enough scars for Yumichika to consider himself ugly.

"Well you're definitely speaking in an ugly way..." He replied meekly.

Renji waited for his time to be called with baited breath. He'd finally been convinced to switch places with a Kabuki sex worker that he, Madarame, Ichigo, and Yumichika knew would be performing tonight for Byakuya, after stalking him with many, _many_ precautions taken. The 6th lieutenant sighed, counting the paper yen and imagining their smooth, crisp feeling in his hands once he finished this. _It's for the money... it's for the money. Must have the money!_

"Saotomi Ochika! You're up!" said one of the managers. _There's my call..._

"Coming!" he called, but realised how odd his voice would sound, considering the person he was pretending to be. "I-I mean!" he reached a bit higher into his octaves, trying to imitate the deep but still femininely smooth tone of Saotomi to proficiency. "I'll be there shortly!" He walked from the vanity room down the hall with a room card in hand, the number scribbled on it. He took a few deep breaths as before, rounded the corners he'd been instructed to take by Saotomi, and entered the room as he reached it. Byakuya, in all his reiatsu laden, captain's glory, sat on the tatami matt. His obi was different though, decorative midnight blue silk with sakura blossoms and gold embroidery.

"K-Kuchiki-sama..." Renji managed, breathless.

"Ah, Saotomi, I've been expecting you." Byakuya greeted the lieutenant with a kiss on each cheek. With all the whitening foundation and contour makeup he was wearing, it was a comfort to know blush was impossible to see and any difference between his face and the original's was impossible to discern. Renji began pouring tea for the two of them, and sat down on the tatami matts layed down. _He seems... pleasant. These two must be well acquainted._

"How is work?" he asked his captain, staring into his tea. He remembered this as one of the common topics for the Kabuki performer and the man in front of him. He looked back up after a few seconds of silence.

"Smooth, surprisingly." _He's smiling?!_ Renji couldn't believe his eyes, and keeping a straight face was a battle he barely won. "Hollows are a less frequent hassle, but everyone is still sharpening their skills for any upcoming crisis. I expected laziness, honestly, but I'm glad I was wrong. Especially about my lieutenant, his friend Ichigo, and my sister." _Well here's a chance to get my ego stroked... maybe my dick too. He's stupid as Zabimaru._

"Oh? Tell me about their skills, they already sound like very proficient Shinigami!" He continued enthusiastically.

"Well, I thought Ichigo was just a trivial human with fiery hair to match his temper."

"You're not wrong for thinking that, I'm sure." Renji imitated a giggle he'd heard Saotomi make when he'd told the Kabuki boy his plan. It was a bit rough, but fit fairly well with his disguise.

"Aha, no, I suppose not. It turns out he has quite a load of spirit power on his own, though his powers were awakened after my sister offered hers to him to save his family. He's intensely gifted for someone who learned everything so fast. I was surprised he could pass Renji, but it wasn't anything shocking when my lieutenant near defeated me."

"Well, I can't imagine this Ichigo character wouldn't be powerful if his powers were awakened by someone related to you! And this Renji boy, my, you're really spoiling him, hmm?" Byakuya's face turned pink like the cherry blossoms on his obi. _B-b-b-blushing now?! And he's... laughing?! Covering his mouth while laughing... what a femboy. I'd probably bust a vein from all this if I wasn't feeling like I might bust a nut... what the hell?_

"Saotomi. Let's dance." The words were commanding, but polite.

"H-Hai, Kuchiki-sama." Renji felt his cheeks heating up as Byakuya put one hand on his waist, and the other held onto his own. He extended the fan Saotomi had given to him as he turned circles round the room with his captain to the kota music. Practiced arm strokes like wings, back to back handholding turns... It wasn't anything Renji had done with someone else, he only knew how to connect what he had learned to what was happening. It felt so beautifully natural.

Byakuya held him from behind, rubbing his shoulders and sitting him on the tatami matt, continuing to massage. He hadn't realised how tense the rest of his body was from his arousal, not while his mind was so at peace. Hands that he remembered wielding Senbonzakura and kido spells so proficiently were rubbing out the tenseness in his shoulders. It was so soothing.

"Mmmmm!" He couldn't contain his delight anymore. The stress was released from his body in such a warm rush... almost all the stress, anyway.

"I could tell you were restraining yourself, Saotomi."

"A-Ah! Gomen... I'm just shy today, I guess."

"Shy?" the captain laughed, a smile spreading across his face. The table was suddenly on the other side of the room and the tatami matts were pushed together like a bed.

"Still feeling shy?"

"H-Hai, Kuchiki-sama!"

"How about now?" Byakuya pushed him down on to the tatami matts so he was laying on his back, straddling him.

" So... shy." Abarai moaned, feeling Byakuya respond to this with his tongue trailing from the lieutenant's earlobe to his neck, reaching down and fondling between his legs while his superior began grinding his own member onto the bulge protruding from the kimono. It felt tight around Renji's lap, making him desperate to remove it with his warm skin and erect member. Byakuya sensed his lieutenant's discomfort, ripping the clothes from his body.

 _Damn it!_ Renji's tattoos had not been covered with foundation like his face. There were bits of shock, self loathing, and resentment in the captain's eyes. But traces of apathy and lust were also present. Abarai lay on the tatami matts, stunned, waiting for some sort of response in his exposed state. There was a sigh and the slip of silk as Byakuya turned away from Renji.

"I guess you'll have to do."

"W-What the hell!?" Renji blushed as his superior lay on top of him, pulling his legs over the shoulders that had been held so high as the man had strutted past him and his friends earlier.

"Do you intend to go home that way, much worse, staying that way until you've finally found someone else to please you?"

"N-No..." the lieutenant admitted, blushing and looking away from where his captain's gaze was.

"Then it's settled." Byakuya sat up slightly, and Renji saw just how hard the wielder of Senbonzakura was. _Tall guy... tall dick._ He felt a few beads of sweat form on his temples, biting his painted red lips slightly. Byakuya smirked, holding Renji's erection and stroking it to full length. He reached backwards into the pocket of his obi and pulled out some hand lotion, rubbing it into his own member and around Renji's entrance. _Breathe... just breathe_. Renji thought, bracing himself. The captain inserted himself inside the tight entrance, distracting Renji from the pain with more stroking and nipping at his neck, chewing on the flesh. Abarai threw his head back in delight, moaning and pulling at his captain's hair from the pleasure in his neck and between his legs. Curiously, Byakuya kissed his subordinate, the mouth he'd once thought unpleasant, now making music from what was being done to him.

Tongues collided as their stimulation increased, moans escaping them both in an erotic chorus. Hands down each other's backs, caresses along the throat and licking the sweat off each other's chests... it all lead to a wonderful, unexpectedly strong climax. Abarai squirted some on Byakuya's chest, and Renji was filled to the rim as the two of them finished. After some back to back clean up in the shower, the two redressed.

"Well, I suppose we're done here, if you don't want anything else, Abarai."

"A-Ah! Arigato..."

"So? How was his dick?" Ichigo joked, laying under the same tree he, Abarai, Madarame, and Yumichika had plotted under.

"B-Baka! It was more enjoyable than I expected, okay? Now where's my money?"

"Shit. Didn't think you had it in you, Renji." Madarame admitted, coughing up 7000 yen while Ichigo coughed up 3000.

"Seriously though, what happened when he found out it was you, and not that Saotomi?" Ichigo asked, leaning forward with anticipation.

"He looked at me like he'd gotten a surprise gift. You know, one of those gifts you initially think would be shitty, but then you grow to like it?" his companions nodded attentively. "His personality... he was really polite and gentlemanly. Flirtatious too, but not quite warm. He was just really pleasant and more laid back."

"I thought you were in love with Rukia." Ichigo noted thoughtfully.

"Yeah. I thought so too. I'm not sure how I feel about that guy anymore, but he's got my respect." From behind a tree, out of sight of the three men, Byakuya smiled to himself.

"You've got my approval as well, Abarai. For now."


End file.
